Dear Mom…

I have been thinking a lot of my family lately.  The family that adopted me at two, raised me (for the most part) and then set me out on this world (not quite ready.  15 years of age is NOT ready for all the world is).

Many things have happened, good and bad, and if I could share them with one person, it would be my mom.  We had many differences, but I would still love to be able to talk. On the phone. And share.

What would I say though? Probably the following….

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Dear Mom,

I have come a long way since early 2000.  Now 11.5 years later, I would like to say I have really matured.  Some of what got me there was great.  Some was horrible.  Some was so-so.

Since I ‘left home’ I have moved…a lot… 13 times to be exact.  However, the last 4 moves, and the upcoming one has been so I could be, and continue to be, with the man of my dreams.  This man has given my my perfect son, and also my (step) daughter.  A girl who is almost 18, and matured into a wonderful young lady, that I am proud to have been involved with.
And, even though you and Dad warned me never to marry a car guy….I kind of did. 🙂

I have had over 20 pregnancies.  Of them, only 1 has given me a “living” child.  A perfect child.
1 of them was still born.
The other 18+, lost early on.
Why?
The cause is something else I discovered after leaving your home.  I have a problem with my heart.  Two actually.  They cause my blood to be “mixed” and therefore limit the amount of oxygen it carries.  Even carrying in a load of groceries is enough to put so much strain on it, then it will not allow me to carry a child to term.
My son? he was achieved due to 35 weeks of bedrest.  And I’d do it again if I had too.

Since leaving, I have also learned my son does NOT have my heart issues.  (though my biological aunt, father, and other reletives do, and it’s a genetic issue).  He truely is perfect.  🙂

I have completed a diploma through college.
I am working on another one, in an un-related field to the first one.
When it is completed I have plans to further my education even farther.

I have been given a “timeline” until I get cancer.  That scares me.  Especially as they will not treat until “precancer” turns into “cancer”.  I think that’s stupid.  I have switched doctors repeatedly because of this.

I have decided to live each day the best I can.  To try not to give into negativity.  What will happen, will happen.  I will make the best of it, and choose to make it better whenever I can.  And I encourage others around me to do the same.  That way we all win.

I have come to the understanding that what you did, all those years ago, you truely thought was best.  While some of those choices where not the best, in my opinion, it happened.  I am making the best of life now.  I will never forget, but I think I can forgive. 

I have spent countless days, hours, minutes, wishing things were different.  Not just for me, but for my son.  He desearves grand-parents.  I understand why things are the way they are.  Afteral, in many ways the decision was mutual.

I have learned to knit.  Finally.  I have learned to quilt.  I have learned to work a sewing machine.  And I have picked up many other crafts and hobbies along the way.

I still continue to read.  A vast amount.  I have purchased a Kobo ereader however to cut down on the costs of this habit.  As well as the amount of books on shelves…and the weight of them when moving.

I continue to bookcross.  At least the books in phyical format.  (www.bookcrossing.com).  I am Princess1984.  (my mom is Junebug31).

Overall, I have grown and changed from the little girl that you knew.  I no longer ride my bike all the time in the summer, or spend countless hours in the lake. 

I have changed, and I am sure you have too.

Maybe one day, our paths will cross again.  Maybe not.  Whatever happens, I hope we both make the best of it. 

I hope you have no regrets.

I hope your health is doing well.

I hope the boys are doing well.

I hope Dad is doing well.

I hope you are happy.

I miss you.  I wonder if you miss me.

Marilyn.